Yearly Reflection

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Around this time of year we all think about starting anew and reflect on the past year. I went back to my yearly goals from December of last year. I could tell by my writing I was lost. This past year was all about getting my body and mind healthy.  Last December and January I was internally miserable.  My hormones were on the floor, I had been suffering with amenorrhea for 3 years, and I was at my breaking point.

Around November of 2014 I intentionally gained 10 pounds to see if that would set my body straight. And last year my life was all new. I bought a house, got married, and got a dog all within the same year.  For someone who is not a big fan of change, that was a lot for me.

I am always pushing myself to do more. And be more. So when I was in that space on January 1st, I wasn’t able to give myself grace. I am now intentionally being more gentle with myself–not pushing as much as before.

Opening up my last yearly reflection I have made some serious strides. My word for 2014 was “maturity,” and boy was 2014 a time for that. It is funny, actually, I feel that last year was a time for me to truly become an adult, at the ripe age of 25.

“Patience” was my word for 2015. Reflecting back on the year was that truly my word? I am not sure.

How was I patient?

I was patient with my body. After struggling with amenorrhea for so long, I had to step back and trust that my body would heal.  I am learning about her cycle again and how to feed her so she feels her best–how to treat her so she thrives. The patience lies within allowing some time to pass and giving myself some grace when I misstep.  Because, after all, none of us get an instruction manual when we are born. Patience is truly listening to her: when she speaks to me…even when it is a whisper. That is patience.  

I was patient with Stella. It took us sometime to get used to each other. I remember having a melt down in the parking lot in the car with my husband, guiltily crying about how I wasn’t ready for Stella and I didn’t know what to do with her.  And for a split second contemplating whether we should give her back. That thought makes me cringe now. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. But I guess it was a sense of “adopter’s remorse.” Waiting it out. Knowing that we would get into a rhythm without me forcing it. That is patience.

I was patient with getting my Master’s Thesis proposal accepted. It took 4 official drafts, and months AND months of revisions. But it FINALLY was accepted. That I would certainly call patience.

I was patient while we finished the renovations on the house. I would call that patience. If you talked to Andrew, my husband, he might have some other thoughts about it.  Let me just say there were a few melt downs involved with the house. But again, I didn’t pack up and move out, right? That is being patient.

Upon reflection, is “patience” truly the word of the year? I do think that patience is a great word for the year but THE word? I don’t know. I think each year I get to know myself on a deeper level through the experiences I have and the person I have come to be. So is it “growth?” Is that a better word? Although I feel like growth really should be the ghost word of the year. Because for me, that is my word every year. I hope it is my word every year.

So maybe patience is the most encompassing word for the year. What will my word be for the next? Well, I have all of December to think about that. I think “trust” is on the horizon for 2016.




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